Chicago is wonderful because it is big and beautiful and a city. I have my own home, I have a job for now anyway, and I don't hate it at all. But I really miss having a boy best friend. Casey is amazing and i love living with her more everyday but, there is something that just isn't completly whole about me here.
Lately I have been taking lots of baths,
sometimes with bubbles and sometimes without. I seem, also, to take a glass of red wine and a pack of cigarettes with me. I haven taken to listening to Sting's new lute album and crying.
Way down deep in my chest is a pain. It is not a dull ache, it is not a constant throb, it is not a broken heart. It feels as if someone has their hands on my emotions. As if all the possible feelings I could have have been bundled in to a quarter sized place in my sternum. everything I could ever feel, I am feeling at once and all the emotion is trying to break free from this space. It is as if all of my emotions were ants in their hill, everyone jostling and fighting to retreat when the water hose is turned on them.
This is it exactly: I am lost.
How does one go about living for themselves. I have been trying to figure this out for years now. I just don't know how to do it. I am happy to have alone time. I am pleased to sit by myself and listen to music, to read, to think, to veg in front of tv, to wander to the park, to ride the el, to do the laundry but, I feel that these are mostly all just tasks to be performed.
Here it is also, Last year living at home sucked but, it also did not suck at all. For the first time I was in my parents house and doing whatever I wanted to do. Much of the perfection of this time is due to Ian, maybe almost 90%. I did not know that I could be so chill. I did not know that I was so astute, or that I loved horror films (the rare good ones) or that I would really love the Nintendo DS or that I would care about the new gen graphics of XBOX360. And we cannot forget the Metal music. Where on earth did that come from. (how Unearthly! (lame joke, sorry)).
I miss him. and David too, of course, although I have been without him longer so it is easier to bear. I know that david is always going to love me and talk to me about books and music and miss me and I am far less sure that It will be the same with Ian.
Maybe all the emotion is just this: uncertainty. Yes. Yes. this is the most uncertain I have been in my life.
Here I am in this beautiful apartment. Come and visit.