September 28, 2005

It's all about the CZ

Just thinking about Brno right now makes my heart ache in this way: I feel as if someone is squeezing my actual physical heart and then kind of poking me in the stomach at the same time. My shoulders kind of curl inward and I can't help but close my eyes and bite my bottom lip. It is a deep seeded ache. It is a longing. It is was missing feels like. It is so funny.... How I never really talked to Jef, except I always thought he looked like my kinda kid, I guess I just felt like he and Tom were already buddy buddy. How Jesse and I went through everything only to wind up closer in a completely different way. How We met Andrew in Line at Vinarska and he was just there from then on. How I ate lunch and dinner with Richard and Michael for the first two weeks and we drank gallons of dark beer outside everyday. How Piia was almost to beautiful to be approachable and yet, one of the best people there. How Agnes and I only started hanging out because... Well she was hanging out with everyone else.. And she was the Dutch Laura. How there was so much drama first semester and then almost non second. Lets not forget the first Brit, the Jordanian, and Paul. And Kasia. Thinking about Kasia did it. I got the tears. And Kelsey. The two most fun and amazing ladies on my floor; the people I took the least advantage of knowing...The people I should have known more. And John: who I was such a complete asshole to; for no explainable reason.... Except maybe I always knew and didn't know and I was jealous. I am sorry for that John. And to Fran and Jess who taught me to trust women again. Wow, that was a shock and still is.
This post got a lot longer than I expected it to but, it is dedicated to all you guys. Because you and that place and that time taught me to live again. To reinvent myself. I realize I may not know me very well and I may know myself better than ever. To helping me realize these things: I am selfish, I am manipulative, I am smart, I am a reader, I am a drinker, I am full of shit, I can love, I do love, I will love. I will hurt people and they will hurt me and this is necessary to learn and grow. I am loud because I am hiding. I am learning to be quiet. I am learning not to touch. I have learned I don't need sex to live. I am worth something even if I am not getting laid. I have learned that being touched can be magic and really good sex does exist and should be savored. I have learned how to be angry, and thank god for that. I have learned that I don't believe in god but, I do believe in ghosts and in foreign languages and Nate and his fucking Mac. I believe in the power of Mr. Show to unite us all. I can like Ben stiller, I can read John Steinbeck, I can do a shirtless snow angel. I can gather chestnuts and plant them all throughout my life. I can write and paint and just be.

This was about the ache. That one that turns the shoulders in. The one that is breaking and fixing my heart. It is all I meant to say. It is everything.

1 comment:

Agnes said...

ah... those memories...

I talked to the Dutchies about it "what have you learned from being in Brno?"

What I learned is that I can do a lot of things. I think ... I know you did the same.

Hang in there, sweets, and know I'm always there if you need me!