August 22, 2005

something strange.

you know I read what other people are blogging and therefore, what other people are doing and thinking and sometimes it just makes me feel really fucking inferior. See there are things that I would like to think of myself. I would like to think of myself as: Clever, Witty, Outgoing, Confident, Happy, Passionate, Caring, Unselfish, Giving, Loving, Beautiful and a plethora of other things. The problem is that I don't feel any of those things strongly. Sometimes I feel clever, but not usually. I feel like since I got back I stopped thinking... and that maybe I stopped thinking while I was gone. Maybe I had to. I go through these periods where I realize that I am not thinking as much as I wish I were; that I am instead just bouncing along... maybe even just rolling along.

Here and now.... I am not doing anything worth anything. I am not helping anyone, I am not saving anything, and I am not making a difference. I want to do these things but I don't know why. Truly, it may be a selfish thing. I may want people to look and me and think that I am a good person and to respect me. But I do truly want to help someone. I suppose the problem is that I don't have any particular gifts that seem to be helpful. There is always that feeling of inadequacy, that feeling that I Can't do anything.... that I can't do enough.

I am making no apologies, nor am I asking for anything here...

It sometimes feels like there is so much to be done. There are so many things I could try to "fix" and I don't know where to start or what is worth my doing, or whether the things I think need changing really do need changing.

Basically I want to be okay with me. I want to accept the fact that I am not the best and the brightest.

basically... and I am not fucking kidding here.... I want to be okay with being A hufflepuff.


Agnes said...

You´re making a difference. If only - but I´m sure not just because - you exist and because I know you.

Have faith and, looking back, the dots will eventually connect!

suit case said...

nose to neck my friend.